Tigers Can Swim

01 September 2008 @ 08:06 pm

I hate my brain. (beware, angst and swearing ahead)

"Nothing fucking matters. There is no point to my life and existence. I can't just sit here worrying if the world's gonna end. If the world ends, so what? Then everything dies and no one will be around to care. But if it doesn't matter if the world ends, it doesn't matter if I end. Or if anyone ends. What's the fucking point? And then if I care if the world ends, I'm always worrying that it might. Is there a fucking middle ground? Why isn't everybody else freaking out? What's the fucking point of it all anyway? It's not like I'm really all that important to anyone. The only things that depend on me for anything, that really require my existance to exist at all are my rat, who fucking hates me, and one of my cats, and my parents are probably going to have him put to sleep anyway. None of my projects are worth anything, and I'll never amount to anything. I'm always worried about something, except when I'm engrossed in something everyone else finds moronic and childish. So why am I so hesitant? Why don't I just do it? Get it the fuck over with and stop worrying and freaking out and getting in everyone's way. Why? What's wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way? Why can't I end this? Why am I still here?"

This is what I was thinking just a few minutes ago. The thoughts have passed, and the feelings are passing, but as I read over this I have on major thought.

What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. Me.

This should be a happy entry. My neice Georgia was just born this afternoon. I held her. She was so cute and innocent. How can I think that it wouldn't matter if she "ended?" What is wrong with me? Why am I having such dark thoughts today? Why am I so anxious? I should be happy for God's sake!

As much as I hate to admit it, and as much as I hate shoving a pill down my throat every morning, I think I need to go back on medication.

Location: home

Mood:

fcked up in the head

Music: Disturbed "Inside the Fire" (believe it or not, it makes me feel better)

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01 September 2008 @ 08:06 pm

I hate my brain. (beware, angst and swearing ahead)

"Nothing fucking matters. There is no point to my life and existence. I can't just sit here worrying if the world's gonna end. If the world ends, so what. Then everything dies and no one will be around to care. But if it doesn't matter if the world ends, it doesn't matter if I end. Or if anyone ends. What's the fucking point? And then if I care if the world ends, I'm always worrying that it might. Is there a fucking middle ground? Why isn't everybody else freaking out? What's the fucking point of it all anyway? It's not like I'm really all that important to anyone. The only things that depend on me for anything, that really require my existance to exist at all are my rat, who fucking hates me, and one of my cats, and my parents are probably going to have him put to sleep anyway. None of my projects are worth anything, and I'll never amount to anything. I'm always

Location: home

Mood:

fcked up in the head

Music: Disturbed "Inside the Fire" (believe it or not, it makes me feel better)

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19 August 2008 @ 04:31 pm

Happy Birthday, Ianto!

Ianto Jones is 25 today! Congrats, Yan! Hope they don't kill you off before your 26th!

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08 August 2008 @ 08:50 pm

Axel Day!!!

Happy Axel Day!!!

1 non-lurker | Talk to me

13 May 2008 @ 03:55 pm

special! ^0^

5-13-8!

If you don't know why that's special, too bad.

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01 May 2008 @ 02:20 pm

Happy Rabbit-Rabbit Day!!

*facepalm* I totally forgot today was Rabbit-Rabbit Day. I didn't remember until like noon.

[way to go genius]

Shut up dumbass.

[you only call me dumbass because you can't think of a better insult]

Emo bitch boy.

[ok, that was a little more creative]

*pause*

[i'm not emo!!!]

I know I'm not but what aren't you?

[......whatever]

<NO FIGHTY!>

[.........]

.........

<That's better ^_^>

[...fighty?]

I don't know.

Location: Baltimore

Mood:

*facepalm*

Music: Evanescence "Bring Me to Life"

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30 April 2008 @ 01:32 pm

Happy Birthday Goat!

Now it's Goat's Birthday! Happy Birthday Goat!

[.....whatever]

<Yay! Happy Birfday to youuu! Happy Birfday to youuu!>

[please shut up]

Happy Biiirthday dear Goo-oooat!

[ugh, no singing!]

(together) Haaapy Biiiirthday to youuuuu!

[i hate you both]

We love you too, Goat.

[go away]

<Birfday hug time!>

[ah! no! get the hell away from me!]

<*huggles Goat*>

[>_<]

And now for your birthday present!

[oh god, what now?]

Let's go, Keef!

<Kay. Bye Goat!>

[wait, where are you going?]

This is your present. We're leaving you alone for the rest of the day. Come on Keef! Have fun Goat. Try not to screw up my mind, ok?

[uh, ....ok]

Bye. See you tomorrow for Rabbit-Rabbit Day!

[um, ....bye]

*leaves*

[so, yeah]

[......>_>]

[<_<]

[wow, their really gone]

*awkward pause*

[o_0 how do you leave your own mind?]

*silence*

[heh]

*crickets chirping*

[well, all day with no keef bugging me or mary asking me stupid questions. peace and quiet for once. all day. nobody around to bother me. let's see, what should i do first?]

[>_>]

[<_<]

[PARTYYYYYYY! WHOOOOOO!]

Location: [baltimore]

Mood:

[goatish]

Music: [the sweet, sweet sound of silence]

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29 April 2008 @ 02:20 pm

Happy Birthday Keef!

One year ago today, Keef first appeared in my head. Happy Birthday Keef!

<Yay! Birfday!>

[eh]

<Goat wants cake?>

[.....sure]

Try to be a little enthusiastic.

[......yay]

Whatever. Aren't you even going to say happy birthday?

[no]

<Waaa! Why?>

[because you asked me to. now i'm not going to do it just to spite you]

<.......You suck!>

[whatever]

*sigh* Happy Birthday from me anyway Keef. You wanna play Monopoly later?

<Yay! I'll be the Real Estate Office!>

[you mean you're going to play monopoly with yourself?]

Yeah, why not? I do it all the time.

[god you're pathetic]

I've missed you too, Goat.

[ugh]

Anyway, I better go. Say goodbye guys.

<Bye Bye! *sings to self* Happy Birfday to me! Happy Birfday to me!>

[whatever]

Later!

[.....happy birthday keef]

Location: Baltimore

Mood:

weird

Music: Keef, "Happy Birfday to Me!"

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28 April 2008 @ 10:06 am

Almost Birthday.

I made a mistake about the date. Go check the next entry.

Location: Baltimore

Mood:

*facepalm*

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26 April 2008 @ 10:47 am

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOURNAL!!!!

It's my livejournal's first birthday today! Yay! *throws confetti* Break out the cake and balloons!

<Yay!! Cake and Balloons!>

OMG it's Keef!! Hi Keef!

<Hi hi!!!!>

[yo]

Hey, Goat! I missed you guys! I never did finish that comic I was gonna make of you.

[lazy cretin]

Shut up, Goat. Hey, everybody, look! The voices in my head are back! Yay!!

[god, you're wierd]

<But we love you anyway!>

[speak for yourself]

Oh, come on Goat.

[...yeah, I missed you too. without you i've just got the hyper idiot to talk to]

<Aw, Keef loves Goat!>

[oh, don't start with that third person crap again]

Okay, I'm gonna end this before I lose control of it. Bye!

Location: Baltimore

Mood:

crazy

Music: Haydn, Symphony No. 94, II

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25 April 2008 @ 11:58 am

Check out my arts!

Kay, bye.

Location: Baltimore

Mood:

working

Music: Evanescence "Your Star"

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22 March 2008 @ 06:05 pm

(no subject)

RIP Thorn

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01 March 2008 @ 09:52 am

Rabbit-Rabbit

Wow, that only took me a month to post another entry. I'm really on a goddam fckin' roll, aren't I? *brushes sarcasm off of self in an attempt to not appear cynically emo*

I just got up from three hours of sleep on my floor after staying up till 6:30 in the morning. Not pleasant.

God, I'm so tired right now. I need sleep. Egh.

My Mom's friend and her grandson are here. They're going out later so I've gotta watch the two year old kid for an undisclosed amount of time. I love the kid and I get twenty bucks out of it, so I'm cool. I just wish I wasn't so tired.

Thorn (my rat) is in bad shape. I don't think she's got another summer in her. She may not even have another complete spring. She's had a good life, though. I just wish there was something I could do to make her feel better.

Anyway, this, for your enjoyment. (Do not watch if you're not a slash fan) (If you don't know what slash is, you're not a slash fan). This makes me laugh.

Oh! It's Aragorn's birthday! And My dA account's birthday too! Happy Birthday Aragorn and my dA account!

. . . god, I'm such a nerd. Wow. But I love Aragorn so much. He is much cool.

Hmm. You know what? I forgot to say rabbit-rabbit.

Dammit-dammit.

Location: Baltimore

Mood:

sleepy

Music: Wise Guys "Nur fur dich"

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01 February 2008 @ 11:19 am

Rabbit-Rabbit!

Happy Rabbit-Rabbit Day!

I'm back in college. I'm taking Art and Women's Studies as well as German 102 and Music 102. My music teacher is the some guy as last semester. He's pretty cool so I'm happy with that. I really like all my classes but I'm gonna hafta hang around the campus from 7:30 in the moring to 9:00 at night. Oh, well. Im just glad to be out of the house and hanging ou with my friends again. I was getting some serious cabin fever over the break.

My sister came up with names for the baby. I'm not gonna post a name until it's final though.

I'm playing Kingdom Hearts 2 again. I'm trying to get to level 99 before I finish the game. I'm at 78 and I hope to get to 80 by the end of today. I'm not going back to Space Paranoids until I do. The Sephiroth battle becomes available after that and I want to fight him right away. And I want to be at level 80 for that. After I kick Sephy's butt, I think I'm gonna go back to Pride Rock and power level some more until I hit 99. That's what I've been doing. Going up to the peak of Pride Rock and fighting the thousand or so Rapid Thrusters up there over and over and over. I have to say, it's alot faster than callenging Seifer over and over and over.

I told my friends this and one of them (I forget who, maybe Chris) said, "Well, what are you gonna do when you reach level 99?"

".......finish the game." Duh.

"And what'll you do after that?"

".......replay the game."

And then they all laughed at me for some reason.

Meanwhile, I've been trying to lose weight. I haven't exactly been sticking to my "eat healthy" plan, but I have significantly cut soda out of my diet. I only occasionally have a glass of Sprite Zero and and have a set time that I'm allowed to have a caffeinated soda. Last time was Monday at 10:30 am. Next time is 10:30 am tommorow, a full 120 hours. I started with no caffeine in the morning, than went to 24 hours without caffeine, and have been increasing that by 12 hours every time. Which means that after tommorow I can't have a soda until Thursday evening. I'm probably gonna change this plan after I hit 168 hours, but I'm not sure how yet.

I just had to retype every last word of this entry because my computer erased it before I could save. I didn't react well to this. Something snapped and I had a little bit of a nervous breakdown. I was even worse knowing I would feel better if I just had a Coke. I had to call my mom and talk to her for a bit before I could calm down. I'm glad I was able to reach her. I had forgotten that I could take a Xanex. Now that I'm felling a bit better I'm gonna try and get through the rest of my day without Xanex or caffeine.

God, I want a soda though!

Location: Baltimore

Mood:

anxious

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17 January 2008 @ 02:26 pm

Snow, baby!

Ok, I haven't been on the computer for longer than a few minutes for the past couple of days, but now I have an opportunity to properly announce the fact that I'm going to be an aunt! My sister came to the house on Tuesday and told me that she was pregnant. She's really been feeling sick though. I hope she feels better today.

Anyway, the snow's really coming down over here. I'd be excited if my Mom wasn't out in the middle of it.

Location: Baltimore

Mood:

giddy

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15 January 2008 @ 03:47 pm

(no subject)

ZOMG! I'M GONNA BE AN AUNT!!!!!

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04 January 2008 @ 08:13 am

Have a Survey

2008 Firsts

First Beverage Drank: Seagrams Jamaican Me Happy

First Non-alcoholic Beverage Drank: Oh. Sprite Zero. Nasty stuff.

First Food Eaten: I don't quite remember. I think it was a Starburst.

First TV Program Watched: I started out the hour with Kathy Griffen and ended it with Mythbusters.

First Movie Watched: Umm.... I watched I little of Over the Hedge that morning.

First Song Listened To: Oh, come on. I don't remember. It was probably an Evanescence song.

First Video Game Played: Bully.

First DVD watched: Doctor Who: Series One, Volume One. I watched Episode One, "Rose."

First Book Read: Tamora Pierce's "Terrier"

First Cartoon Watched: Fairly Oddparents I think.

First Japanese Cartoon Watched: A few minutes of Eureka 7.

First Comicbook Read: Fables.

First Japanese Comicbook Read: *sigh* It's called manga, you amateur. Fullmetal Alchemist.

First Person Spoken To: Mom.

First Person Hugged: Mom.

First Person Kissed: Mom.

First Call Made: Mom. God, I'm pathetic.

First Call Received: My sister I think. No, no. No, wait, it was Mom again.

First E-Mail Sent: I haven't sent any.

First E-mail Received: Let me check my inbox. *pause* Livejournal telling me that one of my friends updated their journal.

First Instant Message Conversation: I don't really IM so much.

First Outting (did you go shopping, did you visit someone?): I've only left the house to take out the trash.

First Store Visited: See above. But it will probably be the grocery store.

First Movie Seen In Theaters: See above. I'm interested in seeing Sweeney Todd, though. You gotta love those BurtonDepp films.

First Survey Taken: This one.

First Time Getting Fed Up With Filling Out A Survey: The nature of this question leds me to believe that you already know the answer is "Right now."

And I have two more.

First commercial that made you shout with enthuthiasm: Resident Evil: Extiction DVD release! WOOHOO!

First DVD your going to buy: RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION!!!!

Location: Baltimore

Mood:

enthralled

Music: I just put in the RE:A soundtrack.

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02 January 2008 @ 08:29 am

Happy New Year!

I didn't say rabbit-rabbit because I was too busy saying "Happy New Year!"

That tree got cut down. Entirely. I was sad to see it go. The huge pine tree in our frontyard was cut down too. That one was dying so I guess that's ok.

Christmas was OK. I watched Polar Express and talked to my cousin Mel on the phone. I made cookies for my neighbors and my neighbor Katrina brought her boys over with little cards made of marker and printing paper. The best part is that the card from her four-year-old is the first sample of him writing all by himself. Katrina herself gave me a Barnes and Nobles gift card. I got a little angel statue from my aunt Chris, and a necklace that I'll never wear from my grandparents. I got another gift card from my other grandparents so now I've accumulated $70 for Barnes and Nobles. My sister gave me battery powered wall-lights which is awesome because now I actually have light in my room. I got clothes and manga and a toolkit from my parents. But the best gift this year, just barely scraping by the wall-lights but pulling in at number one, was Doctor Who: The Complete First Series DVD box set. YAY! Now I can watch Christopher Eccleston and Bille Piper fight Daleks whenever I want!

The day after Christmas the last Futurama marathon started. I tried every single night to stay up and watch it and I didn't make it for a single night. I fell asleep everytime. The last night was the 30th and when I woke up on New Year's Eve I cried. I was so upset that I had missed the whole thing and there wouldn't be another chance and I thought that I had already gotten to old to stay up all night. New Year's Eve pretty well sucked for a while because I was in a terrible mood and the only person I interact with on a regular basis, my mom, was also in a terrible mood. But after the sun set we both started feeling better. They showed the first and last episodes of Futurama the hour before midnight and I had a great time watching them. I had never seen the last episode before. Then we watched the countdown broadcast from the Inner Harbor. Then I stayed up the whole night just to prove I could still do it. I watched Law and Order: CI for most of the night, and played video games until 7:30 after they stoped showing it.

Oh! I forgot to mention that we went to Virginia over the weekend and I got to see my mom's friends grandson Andrew, who I adore. He'll be two in February. He's such a cutie.

Anyway, have a Happy New Year everyone!

Location: Baltimore

Mood:

refreshed

Music: Weezer "My Name is Jonas"

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25 December 2007 @ 04:45 pm

Merry Christmas!

No time. About to have dinner. Just wanted to say Merry Christmas!

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18 December 2007 @ 08:27 am

Oh, shit.

Remember a long time ago I said that part of the tree in our backyard was getting ready to fall down? Well, it's finally happened. But since I tied a bunch of ropes in it about five years ago, it didn't fall all the way down. Good thing too. There's a bunch of powerlines right underneath. And my neighbors powerline too. Mom was really upset about something when she came home yesterday so Dad told me not to tell her yet. I'm going to tell her this afternoon. I hope she takes it well.

I'm a little upset with Dad for not letting me tell her. If that thing falls down today were fcked because we'll have power outages to two houses. It'll cost alot to take care of the tree, but it'll cost even more if our neighbor sues us.

Oh, well. No use worrying about something you can't do anything about.

Location: Baltimore

Mood:

upset

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